My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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