This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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