Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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