Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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