I cockslap morals
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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