you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought