i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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