I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
