I wish I could teleport
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
All the doctor said was why
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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