we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
