I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
