In America we eat man semen.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
