i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
