saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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