So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
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You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
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I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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