can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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