So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
