dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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