I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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