so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
