can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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