all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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