The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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