Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
