Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
