I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
of course. lets lasso hookers.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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