I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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