Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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