This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Michael Bay diarrhea
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
