I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
