What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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