where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
