first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
