I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
ugly people sure do ruin things
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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