Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
