Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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