Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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