i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
