i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
