the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
