I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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