I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
