Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
