I'm drive I can fine osifer
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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