Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
