Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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