So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
