He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I want her autograph on my taint
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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