I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
