Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
