what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
