Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Randomize
