The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
