my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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