I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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