theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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