Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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