apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
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I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
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I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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