i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
