Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
