if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
